


Be My Religion

by arituzz



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boarding School, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-06
Updated: 2016-07-06
Packaged: 2018-07-22 00:20:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7410982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arituzz/pseuds/arituzz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Baz is desperately in love with his roommate, Simon. But Simon thinks homosexuality is a sin.</p><p>(Boarding School AU)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Be My Religion

**BAZ**

Sharing a room with the person you want most is like standing on the edge of a very tall building. You are overcome by the temptation to look down. And you know it’s not good—that there is no good—that there’s absolutely nothing that can come out of it. But you do it anyway. And then… Well, then you fall.

Simon Snow is my roommate. He has been for almost eight years now. And I’m hopelessly in love with him. But he’s the kind of boy who wouldn’t fathom the idea of kissing another boy. The kind of bloke that wears a cross on his chest.

Oh, and he also hates me. He hates the fact that I paint my nails—sometimes black, sometimes dark blue—and that I wear eyeliner. And that I don’t believe in his God.

I’m used to him staring daggers at me. I’m used to the pain. What I’m not used to is him looking at me like he’s doing now. Almost… lustful?

I’m sitting on my bed, about to change into my pyjamas. Snow is sitting on his bed, too. Only inches apart.

“I know what you are,” he says, with an accusing tone.

“Your roommate?” I sneer. Because it’s my only defense. He shakes his head.

“You’re gay,” he whispers, his eyes locked on mine. And inches forward, so that our noses are almost touching.

I let out a short, derisive laugh. “You think I’m gay?” I mean, it’s pretty obvious. I don’t hide it or anything. “And what are you going to do about it?”

His eyes flicker down to my lips, and then to my hands. He looks hesitant.

“Are you going to send me to church?” I continue. He takes my hand with his. The touch of it—the touch of _him_ —sends electric waves down my spine and I have to close my eyes from the overwhelming sensation. “Or are you going to condemn me to the eternal punishment?” I whisper against his face. “Well, sorry to tell you this but, I think I’m already living it.”

“No,” he says, ever so faintly. “I’m going to do this.”

I wait for him to slap me. Or yell at me. Anything. Anything but what he actually does.

I feel soft fingers at the back of my neck, pulling me forward. And then, my lips meet his. Warm and smooth. He moves them against mine, timid and vacillating at first. Tasting them for the first time. Then, he tilts my head back and kisses me with more determination. His tongue strokes into my mouth, demanding entrance. And I let him. Of course I do. And I savour him with mine. Engraving every detail, every sensation, to the back of my mind. Because I know that the moment he lets go I’ll have lost him forever. Although he was never mine to lose.

And then he does. I can’t open my eyes because I won’t stand the regret in his eyes.

“Baz,” he says. “This can’t happen again.” And I feel my heart on this floor—the same floor that was my heaven a few seconds before—shattered and broken into a million pieces.

The next thing I hear is the door closing after him.

—

I hear him coming in the middle of the night. I can’t sleep.

“Baz,” Snow says against my ear. “I know you’re sleeping, but I have to tell you this.”

Sleeping he says. How am I supposed to do that?

“I’m sorry,” he continues. I don’t want to hear it. “I can’t walk your sinful path. So, please, stop tempting me. I just… I can’t, okay? I’m sorry.”

I don’t say anything. I don’t want to. And even if I wanted, I wouldn’t find my voice right now.

—

The next morning I’m graced by the exuberant smile of Simon Snow. I don’t know what to do with that.

“You’re not wearing your cross,” I state.

“I gave it a lot of a thought last night and I’m…” he trails off. “I’m at odds with God right now, I think… I’m taking a break…”

“But-” I start. It’s still hard to find my voice. “But you’ve never taken it off in eight years.”

“Yeah, I know,” he says. “Faith was all I had. You know… I never met my parents. I never had friends as a child. God was my only friend. It helped me go through life.”

He takes a pause.

“But now… I’m not sure anymore.” It feels like he’s confessing his darkest secrets to me. “I mean… God… is against what I am. What I think I am. He says that my love is condemned. That it’s a sin. But I…” I take one of his hands into mine. I try to give him the strength I don’t have. “I can’t help feeling what I feel. And… I don’t think love can be a sin.” He looks at me now, ashamed, like he thinks I’m going to mock him. “But of course you don’t care about God, you don’t believe in anything.”

I place his hand on my chest.

“This,” I say. “Feel how my heart beats at your touch, Simon?” He nods, slightly. “ _This_ is everything I believe in. You. You are my religion.”

“Since when?” he asks.

“Since always. You said that God helped you go through life when you had no one,” I tell him. “Well, I was eleven years old, and I’d lost my mother, and my soul. And this school gave me you. You’ve always been my religion.”

“You have a funny way to show it, though.”

“Yeah, I know. Cause I’m disturbed.” I laugh pathetically. “Are you scared?”

“Very.”

“Me too.”

—

“You’re wearing it again,” I say, with my heart in my throat.

“Uh?”

“Your cross.”

“Oh. Yeah. I’ve come to terms with God. I’ve spoken to this girl, Morgana, she’s helped me a lot to understand myself,” he explains. “I’ve told Him that I’m going to carry on, as I am,” he says, pulling me closer with his arms. “With a boy in my arms instead of a girl.”

“And what did He tell you?”

“Nothing. You see, that’s it. He told me nothing. That must mean that everything’s okay, right?” He says against my hair.

“Amen.”

  
-FIN-


End file.
